Yew Kin Quote Me On That

Like a hitch-hiker totin' a chainsaw
My life has passed me by,
Jist like 3-day-old roadkill
It stinks,'n' that's no lie...
I took 10 miles of unpaved road
My tires have all gone flat,
A bumpy-uphill-pot-holed ride ~
Yew kin *quote* me on that.

I'd like ta interduce myself
But cain't recall my name,
'N' I'm so tard of eatin' crow
Guess I'm mostly ta blame...
Feel jist like I bin struck out
But ain't been up ta bat,
My ignorance has gone ta seed ~
Yew kin *quote* me on that.

I jist found whar true North is
Now thangs have all gone South,
But when yore in deep water
It's time ta shut yore mouth...
Bin told thar's more'n one way
Ta skin that rascal cat,
If the good Lord's willin'
'n' the creek don't rise ~
Yew kin *quote* me on that.

I'm apathetic-ignorant
Don't know 'n' I don't care,
If yew don't heed which way yew go
All roads'll git yew there...
I'm jist a good example
Of what it costs ta sin,
I'd really like ta halp yew out ~
Which way did yew come in?

Tho sum folk thank that Heaven's
Sum thunk-up nursery rhyme,
The Good Book don't begin with
"Now, once upon a time" ~
That devil's bin a-temptin' me
Long as I bin alive,
But I don't stop ta pick him up
He always wants ta *drive*!

Hey, I ain't got no mind ta cozy-up
In Luxury's lap,
I'd gladly gnaw my best arm off
Ta keep me from that trap...
That rich man 'n' the camel's eye
Strainin' ta swaller a gnat,
Old hags know more'n princesses ~
Yew kin *quote* me on that.

Ain't had no luck with Love, folks
Bin burnt until I smell,
I shoulda read that ole church sign:
"No Fire Exits in Hell!" ...
'N' when God comes ta beam me up
I pray I'm not too fat,
When my time comes, I'm OUTTA here ~
Yew kin *quote* me on that.